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so i met up with an old friend today, to watch ‘27 dresses’ and to have dinner beforehand. the movie was a fictional narrative of the phrase ‘always a bridesmaid never a bride’. it was billed as a ‘chick flick that was not really a chick flick’ – but it was a chick flick lah. and it got me (and my friend, it turns out) thinking about our love lives in general.
my friend said something that bugged me. she said that she wouldn’t want to be me. that ever since i broke up with f i have been like this. that she wants to have fun but she does not want to ‘end up like me’; she gave me the impression that she felt i was being used by the (currently, 2) men in my life.
am i being used, i wonder. is it being used if u enjoy it? enjoy the physical intimacy of it all? she commented during the movie that she cannot kiss someone without feeling something. i realise that i can kiss someone without feeling that i am in love with that person – that i enjoy the feeling of kissing, just the passion and energy of kissing, without the feelings behind the kissing. does that make me unusual?
i realise that in my current state of mind, i don’t think i feel i could ever get married. there is just too much shit inside me re: men. when a man treats me well, i feel he isn’t real (eg N). when he is real, he is too crude, too unromantic (eg K).
I dunno wtf i want anymore sia.
this is going to be one of those posts where i get to summarise everything all at once. so here goes.
1. granddad was ill lately, as some people should know by now. and now and then we have crises, where he doesn’t take his medication, where he gets stubborn and doesn’t want to do things that are good for him. simply because he either forgets or he just doesn’t want to do it. in fact, in one of those episodes where his blood sugar dropped down too low, he bit grandma until there was blood all over the place. it would be funny if it were not also sad and scary at the same time.
2. i met up with some gfs from my Melbourne days. they are actually friends of friends; one of them is married now. the other one is actually back in town for a visit; she is working in Melbourne. Seeing as they were friends of friends i thought things would be a little bit awkward but we got on well enough.
3. i got talked into going into this travel talk, which in the end (as i suspected) turned out ot be one of those things where after wearing u out with a 2 hour talk, they would try to soft/hard-sell u into signing up for a 25 yr plan where u have to shell out 7k upfront. no fucking way. i got talked into this kind of thing sometime ago and i already have issue with the current plan i am on. eek.
4. tomorrow is 20 January 2008 – and that would mark a year that i have been with my present company. it feels like forever. but i am enjoying it.
5. taking a half day off on monday – have something to attend to, and then spend some time with my girls.
6. been spending a lot of time with N, but now, am constantly thinking about K. i sure hope he decides what he wants soon (even though I know he wants me but he just doesn’t know in what capacity), because the more i see N the more difficult it is to prevent myself from liking N, and the more difficult it is to justify that breaking up with n (if k comes around) is ok.
… that he really didn’t think that i would go ahead and find someone else.
… that he thought that if i really cared that much about him, that i would not do that above.
… that he needs to take a break (he is going to Toronto for 1.5 months) to reflect on things, on where he is going, on his illness, on his life, on whether he is ready to pursue this with me.
… that us ‘rich people’ have it good (he went on a bit about this; he was quite in awe over the Itouch i won, and he went on about THAT for a while too. it was kinda cute, he was so envious about it, he told me to put it away.)
so where does that leave me? I know that he can’t deal with the fact that he can be replaced so easily. and he also couldn’t believe that i was capable of it. but now that he knows i am, maybe it would give him extra impetus to get on with it and MAKE UP HIS MIND.
Maybe. just maybe.
