deprived therefore depraved therefore deprived therefore

i dunno whether it’s the distance, or the length of time he’s been away.

i don’t know if it’s the above that is making me think and wonder and long and crave for the things we did together.

i don’t know if it’s his teasing me, asking me if i have found a ‘replacement’. for the record, there isn’t one.

i don’t know if it’s because it’s been an age since i have felt this way about someone.

i don’t know if it’s because all of this rain of shit on him is making me worry about him more. or if my feelings are not purely of worry and/or affection and are a mix of both.  

i don’t know if i am (scarily) falling into something that i don’t know the end to (or at least have SOME idea of). i hate falling… ‘cos my falls so far have resulted in some hurt.

i don’t know if this longing will fade some time before i starting clawing the walls.

 come back soon, you. for both of our sakes’.

too much

so first yoga lesson today. and i have found out the mere stretching is enough to do u in if u are 1. hopelessly inflexible; or 2. if u have had a full workout the night before and the bones are still aching. but yeah, all this stretching is enough to make one really really tired. and i am also glad to know that loads of my colleagues are really about in the same boat as i am. but yeah. bone tired. i think i overdid it

~~~~~~~~~~

On another note, he scared the crap out of me yesterday. and made me emo at work, too. and i dunno how to handle this, this suddenness loss of faith in himself. he was questioning everything and that scares me. he sounded lost, and angry and frustrated and literally, at his wits’ end. and he did say he was thinking of that, of ‘finding a place to just die’. i feel so bloody impotent, and yet when i want to help, i want to hold back as well, because i really don’t wanna be suckered. in fact, i voiced this out to another friend yesterday and i nearly lost a friend because of this. (not because of him, but because of the way i voiced out my fears at being suckered). i won’t say more. how to be cynical and generous at the same time, u tell me?

I wanna hold back and yet everytime i make up my mind to, something happens that makes me go, ok yeah i’ll help.

why la.

stop tripping. now, dammit.

Definitions:

1. to ‘trip’ is the state of acting whack; to overreact… (from http://www.urbandictionary.com);
2. verb (used without object) : to make a slip, error, or mistake, as in conversation or conduct (from http://dictionary.com).

Definition 1: Before everyone starts wondering about my sanity (from the last [visible] post), i am okay. he has made contact. and yes, it is sad that it has gotten to this point, that whether or not a guy makes contact with me can determine my mood. but yes he has made contact and yes he is in one piece so i can stop worrying…for now la.

Definition 2: my mouth has literally gone on a rampage these days. if it’s not being an amplified version of my garang self (and therefore coming across way too strong for anyone’s liking). the amplification of my garangness has extended to rudeness, as Poisonista found out today. (Sorry ah girl).

need to stop tripping. now.